Bill Plaschke Sucks

Jon Heyman gets lazy....

2009-02-18T17:46:00.000-08:00

I don't generally expect a lot out of Jon Heyman. I generally don't really expect anything, other than the one hilariously ignorant article if/when somebody tries to talk about stats with him. But this is just straight-up laziness.

2. Mets: [T]hey'll hope Fernando Tatis and Daniel Murphy can form a viable platoon in left field and apparently also that Luis Castillo can spring to life (Jerry Manuel wisely is already making him feel better by saying he might get some leadoff at-bats)

Why is Luis Castillo getting leadoff at-bats? Why would this make him feel better? Why is making him feel better important? Why is Jerry Manuel wise to do this? There are so many unanswered questions here and it's sickening.

4. A's: Matt Holliday should transform their offense. Had they gotten Rafael Furcal, too, they'd also vie for the top spot on this list. In any case, it's nice to see them giving it a shot, even if their new win-now strategy almost seemed to change on a dime.

So, what did the A's do, other than get Matt Holliday, to deserve this high of a ranking?

Oh. That's it. Well, thanks for that non-analysis.

5. Diamondbacks: Jon Garland gives them a solid No. 3 starter in one of baseball's best rotations. If their young players emerge, most notably Justin Upton, they'll be dangerous, especially in that division.

Wrong. Jon Garland is in no way a #3 starter. #5 probably, #4 at best. The Diamondbacks added a mediocre innings-eater and lost Adam Dunn. What did they do this offseason to merit having a top-five rating of offseasons? I don't care about what could happen with Justin Upton. You're talking about what they did this offseason.

14. Reds: They lost out on Jermaine Dye, but Willy Taveras is the leadoff hitter they need. That young nucleus may be ready to win.

I was promised analysis of each team's offseason. This is not that. You list the Reds as a "winner" because they got Willy Taveras? I didn't even pay for this and I want my money back.

16. Tigers: Nobody underachieved like them last year. And while they didn't continue their spending spree this winter, a return to the mean by their key players would still put them in contention.

I see zero names of players here, and absolutely minimal analysis of the Tigers' offseason. If you're going to talk about how the Tigers' return to the mean could put them in contention, please explain who these players are at the absolute least.

25. Orioles: They got Nick Markakis on a long-term deal, but didn't get any new players to make anyone think there's light at the end of the Fort McHenry Tunnel.

Felix Pie? (Trading away Ramon Hernandez to make room for) Matt Wieters? Koji Uehara? All of these prove that there's light at the end of the Fort McHenry Tunnel. Please don't tell my you're that ignorant.

26. Marlins: Need to change their name to Florida Misers.

Thanks again for your deep, insightful, detailed, hard-hitting analysis of the Marlins' offseason.

29. Twins: Baseball's annual overachievers should never be doubted. Joe Crede could be on his way to fill a major need.

Why is this an "incomplete"? Because they haven't done anything you thought was important? That didn't stop you from ranking 28 other teams.

Jon Heyman, you disgust me. There's bad sportswriting, and then there's not making an effort, and then there's this.

I quoted an article at the beginning. So HA!

2009-02-07T19:53:00.000-08:00

So I'm logging in to my Yahoo! email account, and I see the following under news: A-Rod reportedly tested positive for steroids. I think "hmmmm... interesting. I think I'll click on it and read more." So I click on it, read through, and come across this HiddenGem (one kabillion bonus points if you get the reference):

But a week before the Yankees open spring training, Rodriguez — certain to be dubbed "A-Roid" in the New York tabloids — faced more serious allegations after four sources told SI about his drug tests.

That got me thinking about just how many puns have been made based on the A-Rod nickname. Or should have been made.

LIST TIME!!!!!

Stray-Rod
Pay-Rod
May-Rod
Lightning-Rod
Good-Rod
Choke-Rod
Rod-Rod
Just O.K.-Rod
Bay-Rod
A-Fraud
Pay-Fraud
Cheat-Rod
Gay-Rod
Bad-Rod
A-Bad
A-God
Cry-Rod
Stay-Rod
Yay-Rod
Play-Rod
Gray-Rod
Pinstripe-Rod
NYY-Rod
Cash-Rod
Madonna-Rod
Money-Rod
Monay-Rod
May-Fraud
Weigh-Rod
Slay-Rod
Baby-Rod
Hey-Rod
Neigh-Rod
Jay-Rod
A-Rodgate
Distracting-Rod
Un-clutch-Rod
Overpaid-Rod
Tray-Rod
Ray-Rod
Day-Rod
A-Clod

All of them apply specifically to Alex Rodriguez. Except A-Rodgate. Which is what I'm predicting this whole steroids mess will come to be known as.

Wisdom often does not come with age. Senility, though...

2009-01-16T13:35:00.000-08:00

“The days may come, the days may go, but still the hands of memory weave the blissful dreams of long ago.” — George Cooper, “Sweet Genevieve,” 1877.

Starting out with a song from over 125 years ago. Not a good sign. If I hadn’t already guessed by the fact that his name was Corky, I would know for sure by now that Corky Simpson is really old. And, as Furman Bisher has shown us, old people don’t always know best. Especially old people so old as to be senile.

You don’t have to swear to the truth of a song, you merely sit back and enjoy it. Baseball is that way. The heart of the sport is uniquely woven into the dreams of long ago.

Fuck the heck? “Swear to the truth”? Does that refer to, like, Pearl Jam’s Jeremy, which really did happen, or like Rage Against the Machine’s Sleep Now in the Fire, where Zack de la Rocha describes how he is going to singlehandedly tear down the capitalist society of the United States (which really has not happened yet, nor would I ever bet on it happening)? I guess the meaning is okay, but that first sentence makes no sense.

I’m not even going to try and tackle that last sentence.

You watch a superb athlete as he develops into a star, and you follow his career through its final innings.

And for those who weren’t born yet (luckily, Corkmaster Flash doesn’t have to count himself in this category), God (no) Al Gore (wrong) some nerd (try again) Tim Berners-Lee invented the Internet. And Bill James/The Hardball Times/Baseball Prospectus/Fangraphs created statistics that help us evaluate players we didn’t have the privilege of seeing.

Then you cheer again when he joins that pantheon of knights in knickers and is voted into the Hall of Fame.

I laughed at knights in knickers. Especially knickers.

Okay, so what’s the point? Let’s move on to Masta C’s picks for the Hall of Fame.

I’ve just completed my second ballot as a retired sports scribbler and lifetime honorary member of the Baseball Writers Association of America.

My choices this year are:

# Pitcher Bert Blyleven, who ranks fifth all-time in strikeouts and ninth in shutouts.

Excellent.

# Andre Dawson, outfielder, National League Most Valuable Player Award winner in 1987.

I personally disagree, but he has a case. Not going to argue too much. Although Cork Dawg didn’t exactly present a very persuasive case.

# Tommy John, who pitched for 26 seasons, second most in major league history, won 288 games and gave his name to a surgical technique for which he was a pioneer and after which he won the National League’s Comeback Player of the Year in 1976.

Disagree, but not awful. 26 seasons is a lot, and gives John a pretty decent case based on sheer longevity.

# Don Mattingly, who played 14 seasons, all with the New York Yankees and won nine Gold Glove Awards at first base.

Doesn’t exactly scream Hall of Fame to me. Remember that Internet thing I was telling you about? On it, people like to talk about why Don Mattingly shouldn’t be in the Hall of Fame. You should check it out sometime.

The main reasons thrown around regarding Mattingly’s candidacy are his short career (which De La Cork mentions as well, seemingly in his favor), and lack of production outside his shortish peak.

Mattingly is far from the worst of possible candidates, though.

# Tim Raines, a seven-time All-Star outfielder, 1986 National League batting champion and four-time base-stealing champ.

Again, not a compelling argument, but I agree with the choice.

# Jim Rice, who played 16 seasons, all with the Boston Red Sox. Rice was the 1978 American League Most Valuable Player, and he finished his career with a .298 lifetime batting average and 382 home runs.

See Andre Dawson (just scroll up). These are not Hall of Fame numbers, and one MVP is hardly a determining factor.

# Alan Trammell, who shares the major league record for most years by a shortstop (20) and played all those seasons with the Detroit Tigers. He was voted to six All-Star teams and was a member of the 1984 World Series champion Tigers.

Excellent choice. A better argument could be made, but this isn’t a bad start.

Oh, but Bill Dahlen says hi.

# Matt Williams, my first Hall of Fame vote for an Arizona Diamondback player. Matty played 17 seasons for the Giants, Indians and Diamondbacks. Nobody ever played the game with more intensity, nor with more reverence for the sport.

He was the inspirational leader of the 2001 World Series champion D’backs.

If Inspectah Cork wasn’t an Arizona sportswriter, I would totally be all over this choice. As it is, it’s a homer vote. I wish people would stop doing it, but it’s harmless. No huge problem from me, as long as Ghostface Corkah recognizes that nobody else should vote for Matt Williams.

Okay, that wasn’t so bad. No outrageous selections. He even voted for Raines, Trammell, and Blyleven. Why am I doing this again?

Of those I didn’t vote for but wish I could have, Mark McGwire tops the list.

One, two, seventeen, thirty-six, four hundred and twelve, negative fifty kabillion, zero, eight. He only voted for eight guys. The Notorious C.O.R.K. could have voted for two more if he wanted to.

So now I’m getting into semantics. This seems to be a waste of time.

Others honored with nomination this year and who may well be voted into the Hall of Fame, include Harold Baines, Jay Bell, David Cone, Ron Gant, Mark Grace,

*yawn*

Rickey Henderson,

Whaaaaaaaaaa? RICKEY HENDERSON? 2CORK DIDN’T VOTE FOR RICKEY HENDERSON?

Wait. I can’t be reading this right. Was that Dave Henderson? Rickey Clark? Is Corky-C going senile?

I really hope so. I really, really hope so. Otherwise, he should have his license revoked. (Actually, he should have his license revoked for using the phrase “knights in knickers”). There is no way Rickey Henderson – RICKEY HENDERSON -- belongs in the same category as Ron Gant. I can’t even fathom how anybody could possibly think that.

I am now going to jump off a cliff to make sure this isn’t a really bad dream.

Jack Morris, Dale Murphy, Jesse Orosco, Dave Parker, Dan Plesac, Lee smith, Greg Vaughn and Mo Vaughn.

Voters were limited to 10 choices.

There is no universally accepted definition of greatness in baseball, but all of the men nominated contributed enormously to the enjoyment of the game.

The hands of memory weave many blissful dreams of these boys of summer.

Just got out of the hospital. Nope, this wasn’t a dream. Ice Cork really did cast a ballot without Rickey Henderson. Unlike the time when I was in a band and I thought one of my groupies stole my guitar so I was running around looking for it because I couldn’t go onstage without it but it turned out to be my cousin who gave it back and I started playing but then I realized it was a dream. That one actually was a dream. Unfortunately. I really wish that one could’ve been real, and the one with MC Cork not voting for Rickey Henderson an actual dream. But maybe it’s better this way. Rickey got into the Hall of Fame anyway, and I can’t play guitar at all. That band would have sucked.

Still would’ve been cool to be in a band, though.

I'm rambling. And that was a Plaschkegraph. Time to stop.

I never would have guessed...

2009-01-10T17:45:00.000-08:00

So the Cardinals just scored a TD in their game against the Panthers, with 2:43 left in the first quarter. The announcer (not sure who it was) took the opportunity to point out that that was the Cardinals' first TD in the first quarter in the Eastern time zone all season. I am not making this up. That is possibly the most unnecessary stat I've ever heard mentioned on a broadcast.

And they just scored again. And brought up the same point again.

Now there's a graphic on how the Cardinals haven't played well in the Eastern time zone, pointing out losses to the Eagles, Panthers, Giants, Patriots, and Jets. ALL THOSE TEAMS HAD BETTER RECORDS THAN THE CARDINALS. THE GAMES LOGICALLY SHOULD HAVE WORKED OUT HOW THEY DID. THE TIME ZONE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.

I'm almost expecting them to say that this would be the Cardinals' first win in the state of North Carolina this season.

P.S: Congratulations to Joe Flacco on being the first player to start at quarterback on a team that won two playoff games. They would probably have done just as well with Troy Smith.

Let's play a game...

2009-01-01T19:04:00.000-08:00

The game is called "Is This A Good Criterion for Being In The Hall of Fame?". Now, we need a contestant.

Ah, Bruce Jenkins. Always one of FJM’s favorite targets. And I think he knew it. Look at this title for his article “explaining” his HoF ballot:

Stats? Go with gut when voting for Hall.

That’s something you couldn’t have gotten away with back in the salad days (which is a great song, by the way) of FJM. And just because FJM is gone, that doesn’t make it okay.

Let’s look at some of Jenkins’ picks, as well as his “rationale” for making these picks, and determine whether or not he's basing these picks on

Jim Rice: Rice might have been the most feared...

Being "the most feared": not a good criterion for being in the HoF.

Honestly, when I think of players that I would “fear”, I don’t think of this guy: http://digitalderek.typepad.com/sawxblog/photos/2008/offseason/january/jim_rice.jpg

I think of guys like these:

http://assets.espn.go.com/media/mlb/2000/1026/photo/a_darryl_i.jpg
http://www.foxnews.com/images/197104/4_22_gooden_dwight2.jpg
http://assets.espn.go.com/photo/2007/0815/mlb_a_offerman_275.jpg

Not Jim Rice.

He was a constant in the MVP voting, winning it in 1978

MVP voting: not a good criterion for being in the HoF.

Think about it. The same electorate that once made one choice, relying on that same choice to make another choice? That's like if there was a Hall of Fame for politicians, every US president would automatically have to be inducted. Even Benjamin "I Was Probably The Worst President of the 19th Century" Harrison, Herbert "I Was Probably the Worst President of the 20th Century" Hoover, and George W. "I Am By Default The Worst President of the 21st Century" Bush.

He fell just 16 votes shy of election last year

Failing to be inducted into the HoF: not a good criterion for being in the HoF

There is no Hall of Very Good. You're in or you're out. Using somebody's status as being out (even if they're close to being in) is not how you make the argument that they should be in.

and it's remarkable that he had four seasons of 200-plus hits.

Four 200-hit seasons: not a good criterion for being in the HoF

Bruce, you’re breaking your own rule here. 200 hits is a stat. And since you brought stats into the discussion, Michael Young has had FIVE seasons of 200-plus hits. Ha! Nobody’s “fearing” Michael Young, are they? No! Because he’s slightly above average with one exceptional season. Or, for short, a SAAWOES. If you’re a SAAWOES, you’re not a deserving HoFer. End of story. The two are mutually exclusive or something. Using 200 hit seasons to make a HoF argument is flawed, especially when a SAAWOES did it more times than the guy you’re trying to argue should be in the HoF.

Jack Morris: Defined the type of toughness lacking in so many starting pitchers today.

"Defining toughness": not a good criterion for being in the HoF.

If this was a reasonable argument, the Merriam-Webster dictionary would belong in the Hall of Fame.

He would have laughed at pitch counts, had they existed.

Laughing at pitch counts: not a good criteria for being in the HoF.

Example, scene one:

Giants fan: Hey Mr. Jack Morris, Tim Lincecum threw 131 pitches yesterday.
Jack Morris: HAHAHAHAHA!

Fuck the heck?

Big winner,

Getting credited with lots of wins: sort of a good criterion for being in the HoF.

Sort of in the sense that most pitchers from 1900 on who are credited with a lot of wins, not in the sense that these "wins" should be used as a criterion blah blah blah

who finished games (133 times)

Another stat. Bruce Jenkins, you're a hypocrite.

Complete games: not a great criterion for being in the HoF, but a decent secondary point.

Also, I'm showing Morris as having 175 CGs. FTH did 133 come from?

and was especially good in the postseason.

No, no he wasn't at all. A 3.80 ERA is not "especially good". If you want to be right, say "he pitched very well in three of his seven postseason series". That is less incorrect.

Also, pitching well in the postseason: a marginal at best criterion for being in the HoF.

I'd love to see a "no" voter try to look Morris in the eye.

"no" voters being thought to be unable to look candidate in the eye by "yes" voters: not a good criterion for being in the HoF.

What's that mythical creature that kills people by making eye contact with them? I can't remember the name, but I'm pretty sure it's not called a Jack Morris. So.... I doubt any "no" voter would suffer a lot of harm from looking Jack Morris in the eye.

Tim Raines: No. Did a lot of great things, but in every single category, he was a level down from Henderson.

Being at least as good as Rickey Henderson: not a good criterion for being in the HoF.

Rickey Henderson is, in the opinion of several esteemed baseball minds, a top 50 all-time player. How do you say Jim Rice, who doesn't even approach Henderson in any areas beyond home runs, belongs in the Hall when you use this logic to keep Raines out?

Bert Blyleven: If you were around at the time, following the game daily all season, you weren't likely to peg Blyleven for Cooperstown. Too many of his contemporaries had better reputations, and more presence. He did throw the best curveball of his day. But no.

Reputation: not a good criterion for being in the HoF.

Oh god. Reputation. I hate it when people use this as an argument. JUST BECAUSE PEOPLE THINK SOMETHING IS ONE WAY DOES NOT MAKE IT THAT WAY. The earth had a reputation for being flat. Then some guy found out it wasn't. Atlantis had a reputation for existing. Then people discovered it didn't. Bert Blyleven had a reputation for not being a HoF-caliber pitcher. Then people invented better stats and found out that the people who thought Blyleven didn't belong in the HoF were wrong.

FTH is "presence"? Let's call on baseball Hall of Famer the Merriam-Webster Dictionary to help us out.

Take it away, Merriam!

1: the fact or condition of being present

2 a: the part of space within one's immediate vicinity b: the neighborhood of one of superior especially royal rank

3archaic : company

4: one that is present: as a: the actual person or thing that is present b: something present of a visible or concrete nature

5 a: the bearing, carriage, or air of a person ; especially : stately or distinguished bearing b: a noteworthy quality of poise and effectiveness presence>

6: something (as a spirit) felt or believed to be present

1 and 4 are basically the same thing. I don't think Bert Blyleven existed less than Jack Morris. I think they existed exactly the same amount. Those two can't be right. I'm not sure how you can have more of 2, so that's out as well. 3 is archaic. No thanks. So unless we're using haunting places as HoF criteria now... it's got to be #5.

Presence: not a good criterion for being in the HoF.

Thanks to my good friend (and deserving Hall of Famer) the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, I can now say that the way a pitcher carries themself has no effect on how good they are (unless the way they carry themself affects their pitching). So: not a good criterion.

Mark Grace and Alan Trammell: Rock solid. Like granite. Just too much stiff competition at their respective positions. No.

I legitimately laughed out loud at this. Grace, fine. Trammell, though? Stiff competition from who? The only other shortstop you even mentioned in this "article" is Jay Bell, and you only mention him as a throwaway. You must be imagining things.

"Stiff competition" from imaginary players: not a good criterion for exclusion from the HoF.

Final tally:

1 sort of good criterion
1 decent secondary criterion
1 marginal at best criterion
10 bad criterions

Thank you, Bruce Jenkins, for being a contestant on "Is This A Good Criterion for Being In The Hall of Fame?" Unfortunately, you lost. Better luck next time. Actually, you'd be better off with better knowledge of what makes a good HoF argument. Here's a hint: don't use anything you did here.

BBWAA Finally Makes A Smart Decision

2008-12-15T04:43:00.001-08:00

No, they didn't elect Bert Blyleven. But they did admit Will Carroll, Christina Kahrl, Rob Neyer, and Keith Law into their ranks. And thank goodness. I don't know much about Kahrl's work, but Carroll, Neyer, and Law are all excellent baseball writers who are far more well-versed in the game and its history than at least two-thirds of the previous BBWAA electorate. And I'd be willing to bet Kahrl would join the others.

So: thank you BBWAA, for making most of the right decisions in the awards balloting, and thank you for admitting four people who will raise the collective intelligence level.

5

2008-12-09T23:27:00.000-08:00

From Jordan Bastian's blog:

Ricciardi said the Jays won't go five years on a new deal for Burnett -- not guaranteed or with any kind of option. Said Braunecker [Burnett's agent]: "I'm not going to say that eliminates them or anybody else. What I will tell you is, as I've maintained for the last two weeks, is if he wants five years, he's getting five years."

So... The Jays won't give him five and he won't take less than five.

Have faith Jays fans, your team is still in the running. JP Riccardi can apparently overcome the laws of logic.

We're still alive....

2008-12-09T17:23:00.000-08:00

From the ESPN Winter Meetings blog, the worst pun I've seen all day:

Street hitting the road?

First of all, that's a pretty lame pun.

Second of all, that makes no sense. Streets don't travel (hit roads). If his name was Huston Trucker, then it would make sense. But hey, it's Steve Phillips. I've given up on expecting what he says/writes to be logical.

P.S: NO MORE RAMON HERNANDEZ IN BALTIMORE!

I Think This Article Was Written Specifically to Infuriate Me

2008-12-04T16:43:00.000-08:00

We’re a bit late (like two weeks), but we’ll make an exception for our best friend/worst enemy Bill Plaschke. Because here at BPS, that’s what we do.

Dodgers should put money for Manny to better use

Cash that would go to the free-agent outfielder could be used to shore up team in other ways.

Are we serious here? Bill Plaschke, Juan Pierre’s biggest/only fan, is arguing for not signing an outfielder? Wait. That actually makes a lot of sense. Plaschke realizes that if the Dodgers re-sign Manny, then Pierre’s playing time will get cut. And Plaschke can’t have that! But perhaps he knows just how ridiculous saying that in his column would sound, so he’s covering it up with a bunch of things that he doesn’t really believe, but make his bizarre Pierre obsession seem less obvious. Because nobody could be stupid enough to suggest that retaining a guy who had a 219 OPS+ in just over 225 PA would be a bad move. Could they?

Plaschke starts off by saying that Manny should gladly take a 2/45 deal from the Dodgers, and throws out this line:

A guy who has proven he will turn into a dog the first time somebody guarantees to scratch his belly?

I have no idea what that means.

Contrary to the esteemed opinion of grown men dressed in fake dreadlocks, there is life after Manny.

The Boston Red Sox advanced to within one game of the World Series in their first months without Manny.

The Cleveland Indians won 91 games and their division title in their first season without Manny.

Please tell me who is going to provide a replacement for Manny's offense. With the Red Sox, Jason Bay did almost as well as Manny had, Youkilis had a career year, and Pedroia won an MVP. On the Dodgers, you've got Andre Ethier to count on, and maybe Loney, Kemp, and Martin, though they're all question marks.

The 2001 Indians are an even worse example. They got a 170 OPS+ from Jim Thome, 150 from Roberto Alomar, 148 from Juan Gonzalez, and 137 from Ellis Burks. If the Dodgers had these guys that could have seasons like this, then maybe letting go of Manny might make sense.

If the Dodgers do it right, using the Manny Money for more important pursuits, they can make even bigger hits.

Say, like, advancing to their first World Series in 21 years.

If Manny Ramirez couldn't carry this current team to that final lap during a postseason in which he hit .520, what makes you think he could ever do it?

This is combining probably my two least favorite things people use to "analyze" baseball into one. 1) blaming the performance of a team on one outstanding player, and 2) basing anything on playoff performance. Plaschke seems to be insinuating that Manny didn't perform sufficiently in the 2008 postseason. Which deserves an old FJM phrase: fuck the heck? His OPS was in the 1.750 range. He had arguably the best postseason ever. What more do you want him to do? Why are you penalizing Manny for the rest of the Dodgers' ineptitude? If it's not for Manny, maybe the Dodgers don't even make the NLCS! Maybe they don't even make the playoffs!

And that's not all. Do you know how many games the Dodgers played in the 2008 postseason? Eight. Do you know what their record in those eight games was? Four wins, four losses. So in essence you are saying that because the Dodgers failed to win three games, they should jettison a guy who, for two months, was the best player in baseball.

You, Bill Plaschke, are an idiot.

Plaschke says that with the money that would be spent on Manny, the Dodgers should first sign CC Sabathia. He presents this to justify this claim:

The lack of a true No. 1 starting pitcher was the reason the Dodgers lost to the Philadelphia Phillies, and even a lineup full of Mannies won't change this.

Yes. Yes, it would change that. And very drastically. Last year, for the Dodgers, Ramirez created 15.2 runs per game. You don't need CC Sabathia to allow less than 15 runs per game. Do you know how long it took me to find that information? Ten seconds.

#2 on Plaschke's list is sign Randy Johnson. Because he can still "win games and strike fear". Not necessarily pitch well. But because he can "strike fear". Still, this isn't totally stupid, except for the fact that Johnson is 45 and Plaschke was whining earlier about signing Manny to a two-year deal because he would be 38 when the contract expired. Let's move on.

#3 is re-signing Rafael Furcal.

When healthy, Rafael Furcal is the most invaluable piece of the Dodgers offense. There are no minor leaguers ready to take his place. There are no current Dodgers who can do what he does.

http://minors.baseball-reference.com/players.cgi?pid=6864

#4 is bringing back Adrian Beltre. What? It's not 2004 any more. Adrian Beltre is not a superstar. And correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Plaschke a huge fan of Blake DeWitt? And how would trading for Beltre accomplish Plaschke's next goal, which is...

Count on the kids.

It's interesting how some of the same people who have been applauding the club's youth movement have also insisted on re-signing Ramirez.

The two are not mutually exclusive. Unlike your proposition to block at least two position prospects, plus probably another in the rotation. Don't believe me? Name the young, highly-touted outfielder who's been tearing up all levels of minor league ball and who the Dodgers just can't afford to keep in the minors any more. No, it's not Xavier Paul. The only person Manny would be blocking is Juan Pierre. And the more people blocking Juan Pierre, the better.

Of course, Plaschke doesn't really think any of these are good ideas, nor has he dealt with the fact that Sabathia, Furcal, Johnson, and Beltre are going to cost more than Manny. He's just worried that Manny will cut Pierre's playing time. And Bill Plaschke loves to watch Juan Pierre.

Murray Chass Doesn't Know What Outsourcing Is...

2008-12-02T10:05:00.001-08:00

Just as the title says. Judging by this little gem, he can't (scroll all the way to the bottom of the page).

Much of the outsourcing that United States companies do these days is located in India. The companies that outsource elements of their operations do so because the cost is cheaper. Now the practice has come to baseball.

It has? So this logically means that to reduce costs, we're relocating the league offices or the hired help therein or maybe giving the jobs to the people who answer the phones for mlb.com's tech support to people in India.

The Pirates are outsourcing their future.

Huh? No, seriously...HUH????? There's this little thing about the future being impossible to outsource unless the Pirates actually announce a future MOVE to India (which I kinda doubt, considering how jetlagged the players would get).

They signed two Indians last week to professional contracts. Those are natives of India, who have never played an inning of baseball.

By this logic, every single team signing a player born outside of the United States of America is outsourcing its future. I can't put into words how stupid that is. And I tried for a solid twenty minutes, too, so don't tell me I can. Does this mean that because the Cardinals have Albert Pujols, a Dominican, they're outsourcing their success? Or the Mets' Johan Santana, from Venezuela? How about the Toronto Blue Jays, who don't even play in the United States for half the season (and yes, you can technically outsource to Canada, though doing so would not be cost-effective)?

Incidentally, I'm almost positive Murray's wrong about left-hander Rinku Singh and right-hander Dinesh Patel not having played an inning of baseball. I'm pretty sure both of these guys played Little League, which, last time I checked, was indeed baseball.

With a major league record-tying 16 successive losing seasons, the Pirates haven’t been able to get it right so how bad can it be trying to develop inexperienced Indians?

I get Murray's message here (I think), that it can't hurt the Pirates to try out new ideas, but he finishes the sentence as if the Pirates had just signed a pair of Neanderthals simply because neither of these guys come from a place considered to be a baseball country. It also has a slight smell of xenophobia with the whole the-Indians-are-just-a-bunch-of-people-who-take-American-jobs-and-don't-know-baseball thing. Well, the Mets signed a catcher out of Germany last season named Kai Gronauer, who is doing pretty well. I can already imagine Murray calling the guy a Nazi once he finds out he exists and asking him where he keeps his copy of Mein Kampf.

Signing some dude out of a foreign country not usually associated with baseball does not automatically mean that said dude will automatically not distinguish a baseball from a rotting log, which is precisely what Murray seems to think about Rinku Singh and Dinesh Patel. It also does not mean that the the players are stereotypical primitives. Uh, Murray, you do realize that they have cricket in India, right? Try figuring that EXTREMELY complex sport out and come back to me when you do. Because while both of these "inexperienced Indian" guys were javelin-throwers, they're also big cricket fans, according to their own blogs on themilliondollararm.com.

The unfortunate aspect of the foray into India is that it is the Pirates who are doing it. Even if there’s a glimmer of hope that decent players could be developed in India, you have to remember it’s the Pirates who are trying it. The Pirates haven’t been able to develop outstanding college and high school players into major leaguers. What makes anyone think they can turn baseball neophytes into baseball prospects?

Because we all know that Pedro Alvarez (**gasp** a foreigner!), Robbie Grossman, Paul Maholm, Matt Capps, Nate McLouth, Ryan Doumit, Steve Pearce, and Yoslan Herrera (**gasp** another foreigner!) are absolutely useless and have no talent or future. Seriously, did Murray Chass miss the Pirates changing General Managers from the awful Dave Littlefield to the very good Neal Huntington? Was he sick the day the Pirates said they were planning to spend a lot more money on the draft? Did he forget about Pirates beginning to rely on Sabermetrics? Did he have a traumatic experience that blocked out the trades that netted the Buccos Jose Tabata (**gasp** yet another foreigner!), Jeff Karstens, Andy LaRoche, Brandon Moss, and Bryan Morris? These are not the Pittsburgh Pirates of 2005 or 2006.

This is like someone looking at the early 2000's Tampa Bay Devil Rays and concluding that because they sucked then, they must still suck now. Screw the AL Pennant. Screw the new hirings that seem to be Neal Huntington's model. They must suck. They're the Rays, or Devil Rays, or whatever.

All right, maybe it’s only a gimmick; that’s always possible.

You want to know who else were basically signed as a gimmick? The A's designated runners, Allan Lewis (Ahh!!! A non-US born person!!!) and Herb Washington*. Where's the contempt directed at them? I realize Washington took hell after he was caught stealing in the 1973 World Series and in hindsight, both of Charles O. Finley's designated runners look pretty useless, but at the time, they weren't treated with the disdain with which Chass is treating Rinku Singh and Dinesh Patel (did you notice that he doesn't even mention their names?).

Yet, Patel topped off at 90 mph after never having seriously pitched before or conditioning himself to pitch. If someone did this in the United States, you can bet there would be scouts looking at him. And Singh supposedly throws a very good split-fingered changeup (a Vulcan Change for people who followed baseball in the eighties) in addition to a high 80's fastball. Again, that's something an American scout would look at. These guys have the chance to become much better than Lewis and Washington.

*Before someone emails me about Larry Lintz and other A's "designated runners," those guys had legit baseball careers before Finley signed them just to pinch run.

But it’s the Pirates who are doing it, and no one has ever accused the Pirates of being capable of doing anything clever.

Because Murray and I agree that Dave Littlefield was a brain dead moron when it came to baseball. It's just that Murray doesn't seem to grasp the concept that he was fired late in the 2007 season and replaced with this other, better guy named Neal Huntington.

So there you have it folks. Ol' Murray thinks the Pirates are outsourcing baseball to India because they signed two guys from India who genuinely look promising. I'd love to hear his take if we sign some guy from the Middle East...

Sherry Ross Needs a History Lesson...

2008-11-29T17:29:00.000-08:00

Firstly, a tip of the hat to Josh S. I don't watch or listen to hockey, but this was overheard on a hockey broadcast. Sherry Ross is interviewing Johnny Oduya, the Swedish-born defenseman for the New Jersey Devils.

Ross: "How do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Sweden?"

If you just heard multiple bonking noises, that was me. Head against the table. I'm good now. Perhaps Sherry forgets that the whole reason we Americans celebrate Thanksgiving was the Pilgrims' survival in the UNITED STATES. At least I don't think the Mayflower was blown off course as far as Sweden, but hey, what do I know?

LeBron James to Switch Sports?

2008-11-29T05:05:00.000-08:00

Oh, Buster Olney. You're usually a pretty solid writer. Why did you suddenly have to go off the reservation with this?

CC Sabathia's best friend in baseball is Brewers reliever David Riske, and in the days leading up to Sabathia's trade to Milwaukee in July, the two talked repeatedly about the latest rumors, about how great it would be to play together again. The day before the trade was completed, Riske heard the Indians and Brewers were closing in on a deal and he called the left-hander, wondering if he was headed to Milwaukee for a physical examination.

Perhaps amusingly, there's nothing wrong with this. This is a pretty solid first paragraph. In fact, the first three paragraphs are pretty good. For that reason, I'll just say the heck with the next two and cut to the chase.

Sabathia, in the end, might take the largest offer he receives -- and in the end, the largest offer will come from the Yankees. But other factors, such as friendships, will be a factor in what Sabathia decides, and the Yankees might have gotten very lucky Friday.[...]

So perhaps C.C. is also a friend of Nick Swisher? Maybe Kanekoa Texeira went to school with his cousin or something?

The timing of a transaction in another sport came at a very opportune time for them.

Uh, wait. Another sport?!?!?!?!?!? What possible bearing does another sport have on C.C.'s decision? I'm going to cheat on this one and peak down at the rest of the article. Since the sport played is basketball, the two aren't even played in the same season. With David Riske, C.C. Sabathia was actually in the same clubhouse for every game as soon as he was dealt to Milwaukee. With the basketball player I'm about to copy and paste on this page, he'd be lucky if C.C. got him season tickets for da Bommahs in a luxury box.

Sabathia developed a friendship, through his years in Cleveland, with LeBron James, as the two became the biggest stars in a small town. They have bopped around New York together in the past, and Friday the Knicks made trades that are being viewed as precursors to their pursuit, in another 20 months, of James.

I don't even know where to begin. Well no, I do, but I'm just saying that to emphasize how awful this paragraph is. First off, LeBron James does not even play for the New York Knicks, to say nothing of the somewhat more baseball-oriented New York Yankees. Secondly...twenty MONTHS? Even if the Knicks somehow do wind up with LeBron James, C.C. Sabathia will have pitched his first season in pinstripes and will be over halfway through his second. I know this is pretty clichéd, but I think Buster just might be getting ahead of himself. Just a wee bit, of course. And then there's that whole business again about baseball and basketball being different sports being played in different seasons.

Presumably, at some point, Sabathia and James have shared a conversation about living and playing in New York at the same time -- Sabathia for the Yankees, James for the Knicks. James, as the world famously learned in the playoffs of 2007, is a Yankees fan.

This is all nice and dandy, but did anyone else notice something about this paragraph? Yes, that's right. All this time we're being led into believing that C.C. and LeBron have made a verbal pact with one another; we now learn no such conversation is proven to have occured. Buster, why are you even writing this? Wait! I know! You must have bought an insurance policy that covers carpal tunnel syndrome and the tumbling economy has you worried. Yeah, I know, but it still makes more sense than this drivel. And did I mention that baseball and basketball are different sports played in different seasons? And did I also mention that Riske and Sabathia were there for every game and that Sabathia and LeBron won't be together for one single game even if LeBron is traded in a year and a half, even if they did have a conversation about this?

I had a couple of conversations with Sabathia during the season about his free agency, and walked away with a couple of strong impressions:

Would the first one be that he's a great pitcher and the second be that he likes cheeseburgers?

1. He fully appreciates the fact that no matter what decision he makes, he is never going to be able to spend the money he is about to earn.

What if he wants to buy his own MiG-29? That might empty the piggybank a bit.

2. Factors other than money could serve as tiebreakers in his decision. Maybe, in the end, it will be about remaining in his home state of California, if the Dodgers or Giants or Angels check in with a competitive offer. Maybe it will be about playing in the National League. Maybe it will be about heading to New York with a good friend who happens to be a pretty good basketball player, and taking a parallel path and commiserating and sharing the experience of shouldering enormous pressure and conquering New York.

Maybe it will be the quality of the food in the stadium. Maybe it will be the quality of the car dealership a couple blocks from the stadium. Maybe it will be the presence of a Friedrich Nietszche Society within two miles of the stadium. Or maybe it could be whether he's pitching in a bandbox or in a pitcher's park, something which Buster bewilderingly leaves off his list. All, including the Friedrich Nietszche Society, are more probable than a trade in another sport that may or may not happen around late July, 2010.

Alas, my first article is devoid of food metaphors. I'll go crawl back in my hole, now.

Bill Plaschke Doesn't Believe in Costs

2008-11-28T21:57:00.001-08:00

So it's like 1 AM, and I decided to read some Bill Plaschke. Why? I'm a masochist. And not just any masochist, a masochist whose particular form of masochism involves reading incomprehensible, one-line paragraph riddled articles with overly flowery prose that makes my head hurt.

So it wasn't exactly a free turkey.

To enjoy it, you had to buy a newspaper or own a computer.

Looks like a food metaphor!

But as Thanksgiving gifts go, this season the Dodgers owners were downright philanthropic.

On Tuesday afternoon, Jamie McCourt gave every fan something so awkward and ill-conceived, it bobbed its head and gobbled.

Smells like a food metaphor!

The turkey was dressed in quote marks and stuffed with outrageousness. While Dodgers fans will certainly have fun chewing on it, they will never, ever swallow.

Sweet Jeebus, it is a food metaphor.

Plaschke summarizes an interview Jamie McCourt gave where he states that she wondered whether fans would rather have 50 youth baseball fields or a high priced free agent. Meanwhile, the caption on a picture at the top of the page quotes McCourt as saying "Building a team and helping the city is not an either-or thing. We want to do both."

Plaschke has apparently been taking writing lessons from me, evidenced by this sentence:

No, No, No, No.

Change the three commas to periods and you're set!

No, fans should never be forced to choose between a charity and a championship, that's absurd, is this a baseball team or a telethon? The fans want their money to go to one field only, the one occupied by the Dodgers, anything else is unethical and even immoral.

Ahem. Mr. Plaschke, the caption on the photo at the top of your page clearly states that McCourt says that they want to *both* build a team and help the community.

The "unethical and immoral" thing bugs me too. Is it unethical for a team to give money to charity? Is it immoral? It's far more unethical to pay a guy 200 million dollars to hit a ball with a stick when that money could be going to far less privileged people. At least that's my view.

Yes, these quotes now place the Dodgers in an even more impossibly hotter and tighter spot this winter.

If they spend the right money and make the smart moves, fine, everyone will forget about these Horn O'Ugly quotes.

If they don't, fans will remember nothing else.

Impossibly hotter and tighter? Really?

Also, what person with a soul would actually say "Damn it, the Dodgers suck! If only they hadn't given those poor kids fields to play on and had signed A.J. Burnett instead! Damn poor kids, ruining my Dodgers! We should burn them all!"

I'd like to think that such a person would not be Bill Plaschke.

Did you see my Plaschke-esque one-line paragraph up there?

I thought that was pretty clever.

When I called the Dodgers' president for an explanation, she brightly responded with, "Happy Thanksgiving!"

I told her if she really believed her quotes, Dodgers fans wouldn't be having one.

Of course. Thanksgiving isn't about giving thanks, it isn't about spending time with friends and family, it isn't even about turkey. It's about whether or not one's baseball team spends money on "prize" free agents as opposed to baseball fields for underprivileged children. Thank you, Bill Plaschke.

"I always forget how a nice conversation can be so misconstrued," she said.

OK, so clarify.

Do you really expect Dodgers fans to accept a lesser team for the greater community good?

"Of course not," she said. "Building a team and helping the city is not an either-or thing. We want to do both."

Then why did you say it?

"It was a philosophical discussion, not a literal decision-making process," she said.

So, philosophically, you think it's wiser to invest in charity than championships? If you really believe this, should you even be owning a baseball team?

Where did this come from? If you look back at McCourt's quote, she said: "Whatever money they are guaranteed could be money that we could otherwise have given to the community." Which is true. And I don't see where it says that McCourt will not spend money on free agents, just that she feels a little guilty about it because she could instead be giving money to those who need it more.

[T]hey will not understand... if the Dodgers use that... as an excuse to not spend the money needed for this team to improve.

"We would never do that, that's just silly," McCourt said. "We are going to do whatever it takes to win, that's our No. 1 mission, whatever it takes to get a world championship."

Then why did you even imply otherwise?

"In these tough times, with so many people losing their jobs, isn't it fair, philosophically, to at least ask about the dollars?" she said.

Oh. There it is. That's the reason for the quotes. That's the thinking behind the nonsense.

Here's the entire article summarized for those too lazy to read: Jamie McCourt says that she feels a little guilty giving free agents gigantic contracts when there are kids who can't play baseball on real fields and she could be giving them money. She wonders whether the fans would rather have a big-name free agent or 50 youth baseball fields. Plaschke is outraged that anyone would choose anything other than the big-name free agent, assumes that McCourt will refuse to spend money on free agents despite her constant assertions otherwise, and questions McCourt's ability to own a baseball team.

You tell me: which side is nonsense?

In all her statements Tuesday, Jamie McCourt was dropping a line, testing the waters, fishing.

She wanted to see if fans would view the Dodgers off-season dilemma -- many holes, much money to fill them -- through the prism of this country's tough economic situation.

She wanted to see if fans, understanding their own obscenely tough times, would forgive the Dodgers for not emptying their wallets for players asking for obscenely large money.

She used charity as her bait, but her desired catch was something much bigger.

She wanted to know, will Dodgers fans judge their off-season performance by connecting the real world to the baseball world?

The answer is, again, no, no, no, no.

Where are you getting this? McCourt has never said she will not spend money. McCourt has only said she is not sure whether it's right to spend money on major free agents when it could be spent improving the community. I don't understand where you're making the assumption that anything McCourt has said has anything to do with the current economic crisis. Will you explain this ridiculous stretch in reasoning?

The reason fans will not forgive their lack of spending is the reason those fans spend money in the first place.

I didn't think so.

Again, there is no "lack of spending" going on here. McCourt simply philosophized on a potential reappropriation of funds. NOT HOLDING BACK ON SPENDING BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY.

Sports is not a reality show, it's a fantasy world. The Dodgers are not a business, they're an escape.

False. The Dodgers are entirely a business. They are an escape for fans, but fans pay money for the product of the business. The product is an escape. The Dodgers are a business. And sports are definitely real. Maybe they were "a fantasy world" (weird plural/non-plural situation Plaschke's fault) in the 50's or 60's, but with the dawn of free agency, they are very real, and living in the real world. Baseball teams are as affected by economic crises as the rest of the world.

Fans don't want to hear millionaire owners complaining about costs, they want to watch baseball players winning games.

Fans are paying big money to believe that the cost doesn't matter. Fans are devoting long hours to believe that success can happen overnight.

Sorry, there are costs associated with baseball. Just because you don't want to hear about them doesn't make them go away.

And something about that last sentence is really funny. Like the image of a guy sitting up late at night at his desk forcing himself to believe that in the morning the Dodgers will be good.

If Babe Ruth could thrive in the Great Depression, then the Dodgers can field a championship team in 2009, no economic excuses accepted.

This is one of the most bizarre mixed comparisons I've seen in a while. Babe Ruth was a player, not a team. He was not responsible for the financial aspects of running a team. And if you want to use a team as an example, the A's were the dominant team in the AL at the end of the 20's and into the 30's, but they ran into financial trouble and had to sell off their best players. The Cardinals were a dominant team in the NL, but they only survived because they had one of the best GMs in history, Branch Rickey, who was notorious for penny-pinching and trading away overpaid veterans in favor of young players. In essence, doing the opposite of what Plaschke wants the Dodgers to do.

Also, when has McCourt even hinted that she would even actually consider not spending money on the Dodgers?

The McCourts have spent loads of money on building this team, and should be judged only on whether they will continue to spend it.

Plaschke is apparently totally unaware that Jamie McCourt told him that she had no intentions of reappropriating funds away from the Dodgers.

And, yes, they can even wish us all a Happy Thanksgiving.

Just, please, no more turkeys.

And back to the food metaphor. With two Plaschke's Patented One-Line Paragraphs™.

It's a JoeChat! From over a month ago!

2008-11-28T20:19:00.000-08:00

So I'm looking back through the FJM archives to see how many JoeChats they missed that I can cut my teeth (I don't understand that expression) on. Turns out the last one they got to was August 13th. Lots of fun for me.

10/28 was actually very good. Joe answers questions, usually coherently, and while I don't feel like I learned anything, I didn't feel like I was reading something written by somebody who knew nothing about baseball.

10/21 isn't too bad either. There's this:

Patrick ( Philly) : Joe, if the Phillies win one more are they favored against the Sox or the Rays in the World Series?

Joe Morgan: I'd say it's a tossup.

eb45: So what you're saying is that the Phillies are roughly equal to the Red Sox and Rays? Or at least have an equal chance at winning the World Series?

You have to remember, Tampa has excellent starting pitching and good young players, so you couldn't say the Phillies would be a big favorite--perhaps a small favorite.

eb45: I'm sorry, I thought I just read that you thought the Phillies would be neither a favorite nor an underdog against the Rays? And now you say they would be a favorite? Also, the question asked if you thought the Phillies would be favorites. Patrick ( Philly) did not say that the Phils should be big favorites. This sentence makes no sense.

If Boston is in, i think they would be a favorite. Without Beckett, I don't see Boston as as big a threat as Tama.

eb45: Check your antecedent, man. It seems like you think Boston would be the favorite, but that Boston isn't as big a threat as Tampa -- who is a small underdog to Philadelphia. And it's a tossup. WHAT?

Yash-Pranav (Potomac, MD): Mr. Morgan, would you comment on the spark and mental toughness that players like Victorino provide to a team? I think the intangible that he has provided to this Phillies team is difficult to value in terms of statistics.

Joe Morgan: I definitely think he's a guy you want in the foxhole with you. He's a battler who doesn't back down. He shows some toughness. There's no doubt he's the kind of guy you want on the team. You can see him hustle, he'll take the extra base, he plays good defense--he's a winning type player. All teams need that.

eb45: All teams need "winning type players". A "winning type player" is "the kind of guy you want on your team". If I'm starting a major league team, Shane Victorino is not at the top of my list.

Also, I found it humorous that later in the same Chat he glorifies Manny Ramirez -- whose detractors claim that he is exactly the opposite of what Joe calls a "winning type player".

More JoeChat goodness/awfulness to come when it's not 11:48 PM.

Just Because You're Old Doesn't Mean You Can Write Ridiculous Stuff

2008-11-28T19:53:00.001-08:00

I wrote this a while back on Baseball Fever in response to a Furman Bisher article I thought was stupid. I'm re-printing it here.

Baseball used to be a game played with nine men to a side, two managers, four umpires

No it didn't. At least not always. For quite a while there were only two umpires. Sometimes even just one. But then they changed it to four, and it's been that way ever since. Except sometimes in the playoffs, when there are six. And it's still never more than nine on each team at once (well, kind of... the DH could be interpreted as a tenth player, but you never have more than nine in the lineup and nine in the field). And why are you mentioning the managers?

...and the major-league season always opened in Cincinnati. Come to think of it now, that would be sort of like “Gone With the Wind” opening in Valdosta.

Never having seen or read Gone With the Wind, I'm not sure what this means. I did a Wikipedia search on both the book and the movie, and the word "Valdosta" never appeared in either. So color me confused.

EDIT: I see that Valdosta is a town in Georgia. But there's still nothing about Gone With the Wind in the Wikipedia page on Valdosta, Georgia.

EDIT 2: SamtheBravesFan tells me that the opening of Gone With the Wind takes place in Atlanta. Which allows me to say this: Gone With the Wind opens in Atlanta because that's the way the author made it. If Gone With the Wind opened anywhere but Atlanta, it would be wrong. Because it's a book. Books don't change. Major League Baseball does. Simple as that.

But Cincinnati had a deal, see.

Was it an official deal? In writing? If not, then you come across as the whiny snitch in an old gangster movie. And nobody likes those guys.

The first “major league” baseball game was played in Cincinnati on June 1, 1869.

That is not true. The Cincinnati Red Stockings were the first all-professional team, but they did not play in an organized league. Therefore, calling their game the "first "major league" baseball game" is wrong. The first organized league began in 1871, not 1869. And Cincinnati didn't have a team.

The locals, the Red Stockings, eked out a 48-14 victory over Mansfield, whoever Mansfield was. So, several years ago — even the league office isn’t sure when — it became a custom that every major-league season opened in Cincinnati.

Maybe that's just because it was never an official policy.

Nobody played before the Red Stockings, now shortened to Reds.

EdTarbusz pointed it out earlier, but I'll repeat it. That is simply not true. Several years, there were teams playing before the Reds.

It just gets into a habit it likes and stays there.

So do drug addicts.

Well, not any longer. Money can change any habit.

Or lack thereof.

Eight springs ago the Mets and Cubs opened the season, not in Cincinnati.

As EdTarbusz pointed out, fifty-one springs ago, the Orioles and Senators opened the season, not in Cincinnati.

Guess where? Tokyo. That Tokyo, the guys who gave us Pearl Harbor. Some people don’t like you to bring that up, trade with Japan is so hot. But I’ve got a long memory. I saw what a few bombs can do to our property.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Furman Bisher, you are officially a xenophobic idiot. If I were Japanese, I could say something along the lines of "米国から、東京ドームはボストン・レッドソックスとオークランドAのものの間のゲームのサイトでした。その米国、私たちに原子爆弾をくれた男たち．何人かの人があなたがそれを持ち出すのを好きではなくて、米国との貿易がとてもホットです。しかし私は長い記憶を持っています。私は、数個の爆弾が何を私たちのプロパティ〔地所〕に与えることができるか見ました"

Or, in English, "The Tokyo Dome was the site of a game between the Boston Red Sox and Oakland A's, from the US. That US, the guys who gave us the atomic bomb. Some people don't like you to bring that up, trade with the US is so hot. But I've got a long memory. I saw what a few bombs can do to our property."

Oh, well, ‘scuse me. It’s just tough to get away from it when you turn on your TV in the morning there are the Boston Red Sox playing the Oakland A’s in the Tokyo Dome.

It's really not all that tough. Just don't turn on your TV if you don't want to watch what's on it.

Not only that, but the Red Sox pitcher is Daisuke Matsuzaka, who didn’t grow up in Wampole.

I'm assuming you mean Walpole, MA, a suburb of sorts of Boston. And you know who else didn't grow up there, or even in the state of Massachusetts? Anybody currently playing for the Red Sox except for Manny Delcarmen.

Yomiuri is not exactly the Chicago Tribune of Japanese baseball. Yomiuri owns several teams.

American teams did that too, when your fancy little pseudo-tradition of starting the season in Cincinnati supposedly originated.

The Tribune owns only one team, and that team hasn’t been in a World Series since World War II. (Sorry to have to bring that up again.)

Yeah, because MLB has a rule against it. And what does this have to do with anything? Apologising for it doesn't make it fit anywhere in the article.

Yomiuri’s team has been the Yankees of Japan, and I’m not sure, but I think they call themselves the Giants.

That's a really, really lame dig at Japanese baseball. The "I'm not sure" and "they call themselves" show your ignorance of global baseball, and hints at xenophobia.

They no longer play a Hall of Fame game in Cooperstown.

It seems like the only time people care about it is when it's about to go. 2007: Who is Oscar Salazar, and why is he playing in the Hall of Fame Game? Heck, why do we even have this thing anyway? It's turned into a joke. 2008: There won't be a Hall of Fame Game? BLASPHEMOUS! Tradition is ruined! Bud Selig is awful!

Am I the only one who's noticing this?

The All-Star Game ends when the commissioner says it’s time to go home, even if the score is tied.

That happened once. Six years ago. And this is about the stupidest reason why people don't like Bud Selig there is. 1) Both teams ran out of pitchers. That is why the game ended. 2) The game is an EXHIBITION! Using pitchers for more than their usual amount (and thereby risking injury/overuse) for the sake of continuing the game would be far less preferable to what really matters -- the MLB season. What would you prefer: Option A) Freddy Garcia pitches for the AL until the game ends, potentially a very long time, which would then cause him to miss his turn in the rotation, possibly messing up the Mariners' rotation, or Option B) The game (which means nothing) ends after 11 innings, and nothing that matters is upset. I'll take Option B every day. And what is the point of the All-Star game anyway? To see which league is "superior"? The Orioles beat the Yankees once or twice last season, and I'd be willing to bet they'd do the same sometime in this season. Then they'd be "superior", right?

World Series games start about my bedtime.

Dude, you go to bed waaaaaaaay too early. But to play along with your game, when would you prefer? 1 PM ET? What if you're in LA? Then the game starts at 10 AM PT, and you'd be lucky to watch it. Heck, if I'm not in school, I'm rarely awake by 10 AM. 4 PM ET? Yeah, because everyone can watch it then. Maybe 7 PM ET? People on the West Coast would have trouble seeing it. 8 PM ET is about the earliest it can be on the West Coast, and the latest on the East Coast. Simple as that.

The schedule is so jacked around that the Braves open the season with a one-game “series” in Washington, where a new ball park is being opened.

So? If the Braves don't mind, why do you?

It would be my guess that in Japan, emperors don’t throw out first balls, or even have any kind of presence at such a sweaty game.

Japan is not the US. Don't expect them to follow the same traditions. Again, this is showing hints of xenophobia.

I saw a game in the Tokyo Dome once, but it was more dome-shaped then. It now appears to have gone oblong to oblige the new long-ball society.

"Dome-shaped". Is that even a shape? Domes can be oblong, can't they? But home runs are bad, because that's not how Mickey Mantle did it. Oh, wait...

Managers are interchangeable, it seems. Bobby Valentine is still managing a team in Japan, and Trey Hillman, who managed five seasons in Japan, is now managing the Kansas City Royals, which, on the surface, appears to be a demotion.

HAHAHAHAHAH you're not funny. What is the point of this line?

So that’s where major-league baseball stands today, geographically. Not here in the USA, not in Cincinnati, not even in Kauai, but on the other side of the International Dateline.

Or the same side of the International Date Line (not the NBC show that's on four nights a week), if you're going east.

Heaven only knows where it’s headed next.

I'd imagine Bud Selig has a pretty good idea, too.

They tell me they’re building a state of the Soviet stadium in Vladivostok,

Do you even know where Vladivostok is? I do. Not exactly optimal location for a baseball league. And again, referring to Russians as Soviets shows hints of xenophobia.

...complete with a video screen as high as the sky, and beer sales. Oh, I forgot tell you this about Cincinnati’s sin. The Red Stockings were expelled from the league in 1880 for selling beer at the park. Think of that!

I thought about it. That's an interesting fact, but how does it prove your point? If anything, it's against your point.

Mission Statement and Other Et Ceteras

2008-11-28T17:21:00.000-08:00

So Fire Joe Morgan shut down a couple weeks ago, and I decided that I needed to start a blog of my own. I started a thread on Baseball Fever, and a few days later started the blog. Which is this. Right here.

I think we need a mission statement, since I titled this post Mission Statement and Other Et Ceteras. So here goes. Bill Plaschke Sucks (hereafter referred to as BPS) was designed to continue the mission of Fire Joe Morgan (hereafter referred to as FJM): to seek out bad sports journalism, and to mock its awfulness. We titled this blog Bill Plaschke Sucks, simply because he does. We do not like flowery one-sentence paragraphs with no point. We do not like people who rely on effeminate prose as opposed to logic, reason, and statistics to prove a point. We do not like people who outrightly spurn intelligent thought in favor of "tradition". We hate/love writers who use food metaphors. Wherever the writings of these people are, we will also (try to) be there. With some snarky criticism, hopefully.

Questions That Have Not Yet Been Asked, But We Anticipate Being Asked Frequently (QTHNYBABWABAF):

What are your favorite teams?

I am an Orioles fan. J.W. is a Mets fan. So we've both been through hard times recently as it pertains to our favorite baseball teams. The O's are awful, and the Mets have choked twice in a row. Uhhhhh.... nothing really else to say.

Where do you live?

I am not at liberty to divulge this information.

Can you at least give me a state?

No. Go away.

A country?

I am Canadian born and currently live in the US. You'll have to ask everybody else on your own, and they may not get back to you.

What's the deal with the way eb45 writes?

I try to write like I talk. So I won't always use good grammar. And I begin a lot of sentences with 'so' or 'and'. So yeah, get used to it.

In all seriousness, I write in a stream-of-consciousness style sort of subconsciously (does that make any sense?). My favorite book of all time is Faulkner's The Sound and the Fury, specifically the section narrated by Quentin, mostly for its use of the same stream-of-consciousness style that I have incorporated into my own writing. I also like to use compact sentences, but I have no qualms about using run-on sentences. And I ramble a lot. Just warning you.

Why can't I comment?

Like FJM, we don't want flame wars starting in the comment section. If you want to comment on our writing, email us.

Did Ichiro run over eb45's dog/cat/brother?

No. I just think he is the single most overrated player of this generation, and perhaps of all time, though Nolan Ryan challenges him for the latter title.

Is J.W. actually a computer?

I personally think so.

Wait, you just told me to email you. Why didn't you give me an address?

I hadn't created it yet. Now I have. billplaschkesucks@yahoo.com. Also, why did you ask two questions before following up?

I'm asking the questions here.

Right.